It was early in the morning. I looked out from the window. I saw tree tops and the Sun was slowly rising up above them to push the darkness away to the other end of the world. A blanket of silence seems to wrap around me head to toe. I could not really comprehend what had happened. I could not imagine what the future would be without your love. The love that I had taken for granted for many years. The love that no one could offer like you did. I was very sad but I had no more tears for my sadness. I cried far too much before you bid your farewell silently.
“Mum is gone!” I told my sister on the phone, just moments before.
I watched your heartbeat slowing down to a pause with a screeching noise on the monitor. Before it came to a stop, I knew my false hope was not going to happen. I had been hoping that you would wake up to see all of us, me, my sisters and dad all around your bed cheering for you. But this early morning, I was standing by your bedside to watch your life fading away. I remember that I planted a gentle kiss on your forehead and whispered “Go somewhere that we can find you”. It may sound silly but I still hope that one day I will see you again. A fool’s hope, maybe.
There are so many things that I want to do to make you feel proud of me. I wish you are here to see all my triumphs. I also wish I could say ‘I love you’ more. I mean to your face even though you may feel weird about it because children don’t say ‘I love you’ to their parents in our culture.
I had never thought about the possibility of you being in a ‘hit and run’ car accident. When I heard the news, I could not believe what I heard. I was so confused and unsure of what I should be doing. I can only recalled that we had a short phone conversation a few days ago. You were alive. You were talking. You sounded tired on the phone but you were talking like a normal person. I could never imagine that it was the last time I could hear your voice.
I flew back home the next day. I was in tears all day. My heart was broken. I kept praying for you to recover. Praying to see you awake from your coma once I got back home. That did not happen.
I cannot believe 10 years have passed. Even though you’re not here physically, I can still feel your presence in me. Sometimes you’re not here. Sometimes you come to me when I need you the most. I think I inherited your courage. The courage to give everything I have to make things happen. The courage to chase my dream and pursue my passion. Everytime I have a 12 hours or more work day, I think about you. You were working hard to make sure that me and sisters will live a good life. Our future was your dream. I hope that I could tell you that your dream had came true. We are all living good lives. It happens because of you.
I promise that I will not disappoint you. I will not destroy the dream that you built for us. I will make the best out of every situation. I will do everything I can to chase my dream and live a good life. I swear that I will be happy. I want to see you smile and tell me that you’re proud of me when I see you again. And I will say ‘I love you, mummy’.